Suppose your Humans bought a new, foam, king-sized mattress from Casper. Suppose your Human Daddy loves his new mattress so much that he has decreed no furry children should be allowed on top of it.
Now suppose your Human Mommy returns from work to find you and your Human Daddy in the position pictured above.
Somebody has some explaining to do.
–Amber
Cats hold grudges. The Cats told us that as Human Mommy had abandoned us for 2.5 days we owed her 3 days of coldness, as Cats operate in whole numbers and always round up when punishment is involved.
We tried. We respect the Meowies and generally try to do what they suggest as we don’t want them to claw our eyes out.
But then we got marrow bones. We can only focus on a couple of things at once, at best, and marrow bones take up all of our concentration.
It’s impossible to hold a grudge when you’ve got a marrow bone.
–Stella and Cosmo
It’s not the same as licking the water droplets out of the drippy faucet. Still, it’s better than nothing.
–Charlie
When your Human Mommy abandons you, it is helpful to know how many days she will be gone in order to mete out her punishment upon her return. You can sniff her carryon, count her socks, or simply hack her smartphone to extract her itinerary.
–Amber
Concentrate all of your energy on the faucet long enough and it will start dripping again.
–Charlie
Concentrate your energy on the door. You can open it with the power of your mind.
–Lily
Are there Woofies on your bed? Go up high. You might even make new friends, like Mr. Donkey and the friendly dragons on the paper lantern the Humans never did figure out how to install.
–Amber
Cats own everything they touch.
These sparkly pink flip-flops therefore belong to the Cat attached to the tail that is strategically touching both of them to maintain control of the pair, not just one, because no one wants a single sandal.
–Lily
No, I am not dead.
Yes, I could be dying.
The heat dome is particularly dangerous for those of us with black, heat-absorbing fur.
–Darth Vader
Are you under a heat dome? Is your drippy faucet broken? Have your Neanderthal Humans failed to call a plumber to fix the faucet because they prefer showers?
You are going to die.
Stare hard at your Humans so that they understand your untimely demise is ALL THEIR FAULT.
When the Humans are no longer in the bathroom, take a restorative glug from the toilet.
Little Finnegan says it’s not half bad and things are not yet dire enough that you need to drink from your water bowl.
–Charlie
