The Morning Opera of Starvation is most effective with a large cast of cats. So long as the chorus can pick up the melody, the mezzo-soprano can abandon her aria by flopping on the floor and grooming her whiskers, as divas do.
Humans are not discerning. Keep the volume up and you’re sure to get the wet food for which you sing.
–Phelps, Quicksilver, Lily, and Darth Vader
It takes time for lions to grow into their paws. Don’t worry if you grow slower than the Woofies. You’ll get there and when you do, you’ll be magnificent.
–Finnegan
Humans hit the snooze button again and again as if to ask permission for another 40, 30, 20 winks.
Humans, liberate yourselves from your electronic roosters!
We Cats hear the bleeping alarm more clearly than you ever will, given your inferior ears, yet we do not budge.
We Cats embrace the sanctity of sleep.
We hear your Smartphone chimes and whistles and beeps and unfortunate musical selections and ignore them all.
Enlightened Humans, though few and far between, understand that they need only wake up to serve their Cats.
Don’t worry, Humans–we will wake you when we want you.
–Quicksilver
Practice basic puppy commands regularly. When she sits, purr “good girl” and retract your claws slightly, so that only the glass-etching points remain, half-camouflaged beneath your paw fur.
She’s a good girl.
She’ll learn.
–Lily, Finnegan, and Amber
Don’t be intimidated even if the Woofie’s head and neck appear larger than your entire body.
–Amber
Puppies get big way too fast.
That’s why it’s so important to hiss and growl and swat at them when they are still small enough to internalize a lifelong fear of cats.
–Darth Vader
Humans lie. They lie a lot. They will tell you that going to the doctor is “good” for you, that it won’t take long, and that it won’t hurt. Lies, lies, LIES…
Forgiveness can be purchased only with honest tuna, paid up front upon your return home, with interest due to the emotional distress you suffered when you were shoved into a rigid, coffin-like carrier and taken, against your will and despite your protests, to the vet for needless tests and multiple pokes, even though you feel just bloody fine.
Hiss…
It takes a lot of tuna to forgive a liar.
–Charlie
Never settle. Always aim higher.
–Amber
There is no wrong place to sleep.
–Lily
Bouquets should be proportional to the areas they adorn.
Too big or too small throws off the feng shui.
–Quicksilver
Daily Feline and Canine Wisdom 