Suppose your Humans bought a new, foam, king-sized mattress from Casper. Suppose your Human Daddy loves his new mattress so much that he has decreed no furry children should be allowed on top of it.
Now suppose your Human Mommy returns from work to find you and your Human Daddy in the position pictured above.
Somebody has some explaining to do.
–Amber
When your Human Mommy abandons you, it is helpful to know how many days she will be gone in order to mete out her punishment upon her return. You can sniff her carryon, count her socks, or simply hack her smartphone to extract her itinerary.
–Amber
Concentrate all of your energy on the faucet long enough and it will start dripping again.
–Charlie
Concentrate your energy on the door. You can open it with the power of your mind.
–Lily
Are there Woofies on your bed? Go up high. You might even make new friends, like Mr. Donkey and the friendly dragons on the paper lantern the Humans never did figure out how to install.
–Amber
Cats own everything they touch.
These sparkly pink flip-flops therefore belong to the Cat attached to the tail that is strategically touching both of them to maintain control of the pair, not just one, because no one wants a single sandal.
–Lily
Are you under a heat dome? Is your drippy faucet broken? Have your Neanderthal Humans failed to call a plumber to fix the faucet because they prefer showers?
You are going to die.
Stare hard at your Humans so that they understand your untimely demise is ALL THEIR FAULT.
When the Humans are no longer in the bathroom, take a restorative glug from the toilet.
Little Finnegan says it’s not half bad and things are not yet dire enough that you need to drink from your water bowl.
–Charlie
There’s no better place and time for a prolonged chat than at the top of the stairs, early in the morning, when your Human Mommy is running late for work and is wearing a new pair of platform sandals in which you’re not convinced she’s capable of balancing her clumsy self.
–Phelps and Lily
If you can stretch out comfortably and let yourself dream, all is still well.
–Lily
Leave a pile of dark-colored outerwear unattended long enough, awaiting its annual trip to the dry-cleaners, and eventually a dark-colored cat will claim it for his throne.
–Darth Vader
Daily Feline and Canine Wisdom 